moth·er ˈməT͟Hər/ noun: mother; plural noun: mothers 1. a woman in relation to her child or children.
mother moth·er | \ ˈmə-t͟hər \ Definition of Mother (Entry 1 of 4) 1a : a female parent
parent par·ent | \ ˈper-ənt \ Definition of Parent (Entry 1 of 2) 1a : one that begets or brings forth offspring b : a person who brings up and cares for another
Did you know there was such a thing as a disregarded mother? With all of these definitions obtained from many places including the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, there are people that still don’t understand the concept of what it means to be a mother? Just because it doesn’t meet your definition of motherhood doesn’t mean it’s not — believe that.
Over the past three years, I’ve sat back and absorbed so much negativity related to motherhood, and quite honestly, I’ve reached my tipping point. I decided early on that I wouldn’t use this platform as an opportunity to “vent” on the fly. However, the more this gnaws at me, the more I remind myself that I can’t be the only one dealing with this.
Here’s a brief history lesson for you to put this into context — I woke up on March 1, 2015, as a mother of three. The end.
Over these almost four years, I’ve been hit with variations of so many cruel things…
“I don’t want anyone that isn’t a real mother…”
“What does she call you?”
“It’s not weird that she calls you mommy?”
“Happy Mother’s Day even though you’re not a true mother yet.”
“Don’t feel obligated to do anything that’s not your responsibility.”
I could go on and on about the things people have said to me. While I don’t say much about it, it is more bothersome than anyone could ever understand. I don’t know what possesses people to say the things they do. My only guess would be that I get placed into some special category that shouldn’t exist.
Do people ask adoptive parents what their children call them? As a matter of fact, what do you call your mom? Is it weird that you call her mommy? I’ve never heard a bonus father be told “Happy Father’s Day bro…even though you’re not a true father yet”.
I don’t know why bonus moms get so much slack but it’s not fair…it’s just not fair. Just because we don’t say anything doesn’t mean it isn’t affecting us. Whether you want to accept it or not, we don’t get the luxury of having the opinions biological mothers get because society doesn’t feel like we deserve that right. We don’t get to offer thoughts about parenting because we haven’t birthed a child. We don’t get to give feedback on situations because we “don’t know what it’s like” or because “it’s different”. We made a choice to become parents just like you did. Why is it different???! Our children don’t think it’s different…and neither should you.
I challenge you to think about how the things you say or are saying can affect the confidence and livelihood of women in my shoes. You don’t know if we’ve decided against having children or if we can even have children at all. You just don’t know and it is not right to keep saying these types of things that you would never say to a woman that has birthed her child(ren).
Welcome to a look inside the life of a disregarded mother.